Hey everyone,

I’m back for now.  I really don’t know what to write about but for some reason I feel like writing today.  This blog is me.  It is my life.  I can be completely selfish here.  I can be completely me here.  So I guess this is me:

If you don’t know by now, (which all of you probably should), I am home for awhile.  I left Notre Dame.  I’m not sure if I’m ever going back.  I was told back in February that I was depressed.  It made sense to me and I accepted it, but at the same time I didn’t really want to believe it.  If I was depressed, then I had been depressed my whole life.  I didn’t want to think about that.  I didn’t feel like I could come to terms with that.  

I’ve always been a pretty whiny person.  I would bitch and moan to nearly anyone who would listen.  I still do.  I’ve always wanted more for myself.  I wanted a better life.  I wanted to be happier.  Shit, I wanted a girlfriend — pretty much my one and only demand really.  But I never got that.  And so I bitched about it.  And I came up with excuse after excuse as to why.  Why me?  More importantly, why not me?

The longer I went on complaining, the worse I got.  I could see that and would try to stop myself once in awhile.  It never lasted too long though.  I finally reached a point where I truly hated myself.  This was six years ago.  Not much would deter that feeling.  I met a few people that got me out of my rut once in awhile, but nothing ever lasted.  Then I went to college.  It was a second chance for me.  I could reinvent myself.  I didn’t have to be pathetic anymore.  I could be Marc.  

I started out great.  I got decent grades, I was meeting people, hanging out, having fun.  But then that started to wear off.  I wasn’t getting the girlfriend I so desperately wanted.  I sank into my hole again.  I started hating me again.  I started hating everyone around me again.  Then I found a group of friends that really got me.  They truly liked who I was and I liked them.  I started off this year thinking things would truly be different for me.  I’ve got the friends, I’ve got the constant companionship I needed, now I’ll get the girlfriend.  Yeah, didn’t happen.  Back into my hole I go.

Well now I’m here.  I’m at home trying to fix my shit.  It’s difficult.  It’s damn lonely.  Brady’s gone.  Torie and John are here but only temporarily and then they’ll leave me too.  I’m still on the meds and I’m doing the therapy.  But it’s frustrating.  It feels like it’s going nowhere (although I know it is helping).  I had a really bad day yesterday.  A therapy session that uncovered a lot of shit that I didn’t like and I didn’t handle it well.  For the first time during this whole thing, I truly felt like I had an illness called depression.  

Now I’m not looking for pity.  Ok, I’m looking for a little pity but I know that kind of love is fleeting.  My whole point is that I think I accomplished something yesterday.  Now that I’ve hit this bottom, I think I can start turning it around.  Like I said, I don’t know where life will take me.  It’s a scary feeling.  I don’t want to go back to school right now.  It feels too much like failure to me.  But I don’t know what else to do.  I really want to run away but I know I can’t do that.  The future is completely unclear for me.  

I haven’t been writing in this blog for a long time.  Mostly because I’m ashamed of myself.  I’m a funny fucker with a great sense of humor.  I try to convey that here.  That’s what I want to be.  I want to make people laugh.  But I was ashamed of trying to do that while going through all this shit.  I’m still funny, I promise.  I’m also depressed.  I don’t want to seem like a hypocrite.  I don’t want to be seen as depressed.  But I’ve been ashamed of myself long enough.  So the blog’s back.  Maybe.  We’ll see how I feel tomorrow I guess.  

Love,

Marc